I must have looked like a crazy woman to the shoreline walkers. First I paced back and forth. Then I stood still and stared. Then I would pace again. Stare. Repeat. This is how I process stuff at the beach when my brain is working on something too big for me. I was praying. Sort of. Lord what about… And Lord what if… And Lord I can’t figure out…Lord what are you going to do about…Lord when will… As I said, praying, sort of.
For the life of me, I just couldn’t figure out an answer for burning in my soul. My list of issues were close to home.
• Facing fear in certain relationships
• Parenting in this season
• Helping my aging parents
• Overhauling my health
But my list also extended to further reaching problems.
• My friends’ mothers dying from cancer
• Grief over trafficking, immigration, etc
• Frustration with the church
• Our planet drowning in plastic
That’s not even everything on the list! No it’s not drama. So don’t say it. It’s real world. It’s life. And sometimes it presses too close.
I wonder what the Holy Spirit does in these moments. Watching me, watching you, try to figure out things that we were never meant to figure out alone.
In one of my pace and stare cycles I said out loud, “Lord, why aren’t you answering me?”
“I already have,” the Spirit said.
“When?” I shot back. “I’ve been out here forever pouring my heart out to you. You haven’t said anything.”
“Crystal texted you earlier.”
I stopped mid-pace. I grabbed my phone and looked at my text from my friend Crystal. She sent me a song link and said, “this reminds me of when you heard this at jazz. [jazzercise]” I had even responded fondly with: “This is one of my favorite pre-Jesus songs. He’s always calling us home.”
Can you believe that interchange happened a hour before my prayer meltdown?
He was calling me home. Again. He had answered me before I even called out. He gave me medicine before I realized I was hurting.
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is a wasted time
Look inside your heart, I’ll look inside mine
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
Falling behind in what could be
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?
Facing our fear and standing out there alone
A yearning, and it’s real to me
There must be someone who’s feeling for me
I’m not too late for it
Until then, I’ll sing my song
To cheer the night along
I could make the sun shine from pure desire
Let me feel that love come over me
Let me feel how strong it could be
Bring me a higher love
I can rise above
with this Higher Love
My crazy woman routine amped up 100% as I played this song on repeat about ten times. I sang Real Loud, Out Loud with headphones on. So you know that was pretty. I didn’t care.
I sang it to Him. He sang back to me. He sang over me. He sang it into me. He is the answer. To all of it.
The grief, the ugly, the perversion.
The perfect, the hope, the yearning.
This song would make me cry before I even knew Him, though I didn’t understand what it meant. After I came into relationship with Him, I would cry all the more knowing He is still calling me, and us, home to Higher Love.
Every. Day. There is a Higher Love.
And, if He could be any sweeter, this morning, as I looked for the link to include here, I found a version where the original artist is singing it with his daughter. Selah.
Click to listen. Higher Love Stevie Winwood and Lilly Winwood.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33