So guess who got a 3 a.m. wake up call? I almost laughed out loud. As I was taking the Lucy puppy-girl out to potty (talking about being glad we have indoor plumbing!) I asked the Lord what He had to say. Immediately, He brought back to mind a song. I realized it had been running through my thoughts before I woke up.
I try to be so tough
But I’m just not strong enough
I can’t do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I’m nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me
(from Savior Please, by Josh Wilson)
“What is this all about Lord? What do I need saving from?” I asked.
And what came in the wee hours and even this morning, is Him flushing out just how scared I am of Him and how much I question His provision. I believe He is good. I believe, know and have experienced His crazy supernatural giving. But here I am standing on the edge of this cliff, again, and I am freaking out. Am I really going to jump??
I told my friend this circumstance is like Elijah laughing at the false prophets and taunting them, “Pour more water on the altar.” To reveal the reality of the Living God, he wanted to make the test as hard as possible so that when God rained down fire and licked up all the water, there was no question about who had the power. (1 King 18-19)
So here I sit, a CD in the making (one bucket of water), a new book brewing (another bucket), and now add a teaching trip to Zimbabwe (big bucket), and a trip to India (whew) – I think my altar is soaked to the bone.
But I confessed to my friend, I’m not sure I have the faith of Elijah. Yet I cling to what I know. The only thing I can truly stand on is what God showed to Elijah too. Believing His still small voice. Living in the tension of knowing Him, and still not knowing the outcome. He whispers, Trust Me. “The leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.” Oh God, help my unbelief…
One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
and that you, O Lord, are loving. Palm 62: 11-12
I am excited to hear of all of God’s plans for you. It seems like He is increasing your ministry and blessing you… I was thinking, you know, after God displayed all that power and destroyed the enemy, Elijah ran in fear and collapsed in exhaustion…Elijah did have a lot of faith, and God had shown up for him bigtime…so why do you think Elijah at that time, was overwhelmed with fear ? I think it might have been b/c he was believing lies. If you look at what Elijah tells God. He gives this whole spiel, twice to God, how he is the last one left..But that was a lie he was believing. God said to him, there are 7,000 left who are devout..You are not alone. God replaced the lie with the truth, and I bet Elijah wasn’t afraid anymore….