safety

When the Student is Ready…

/ Jana

the Master will appear.  It’s an old proverb that rings true every time.  What we see as devastation, I am convinced the Lord sees as a teaching opportunity.  The question is, are we willing to learn, to be taught, to change according to the revelation given.

As we continue to reflect on the goodness of the Lord in and through the 18 days, and the 10 years of freedom that followed, we see His hand of mercy and impeccable timing. We began the marital separation with simple instructions: work on your own junk. I worked on my own heart. Chuck worked on his. The counselor (God bless his brave soul) told us to not think about the fate of the marriage until we had stabilized our own hearts. Selah.

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Author and pastor, Danny Silk challenged the way we humans emotionally blow up our relationships with mates, kids, family and then immediately try to fix the problem and get back to normal. Silk said it is impossible to get “back to normal” when there is blood all over the walls from the last explosion. Instead he advised, just work on cleaning up the mess. Take the time needed to restore some measure of connection and THEN work on what caused the blow up in the first place.

In our situation, 18 years of dysfunction and mess, carelessness and resentment, and now so broken that we are separated, the outcome of the marriage was not the most important thing. Tending to our own hearts before the Lord was the most pressing.

And I couldn’t shake the suffocating panic.

If you know me, you know that I am a go-getter, risk-taker, charge the hill. But now I had been punched in the gut. I literally woke up in the middle of the night with dry heaves. I was so scared. Everything of importance in my life seemed to be teetering on the brink of an abyss, ready to fall at any moment.

What would happen to my house, my notion of family, the girls’ schooling, my own ministry, the relationships I had? In my conversations, either awake or dreaming, I would roll questions over and over, “how can I be safe now?” “What do I need to do to be safe?” “I don’t know how to go forward and feel safe.”

I cried out to the Lord, whose voice I knew very well, but this was unchartered territory.

” I am safe,”  He kept whispering.

“I know you are but I’m don’t FEEL safe. I don’t know what Chuck is going to do. I don’t know what is going to happen,” I said dismissing His truth.

“You are with me, I am safe,” He said.

This went on for three days and nights until his message came through loud and clear.

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.
Proverbs 29:25

The Master had spoken. And as the student, I had to learn this lesson.  I had to digest this word and let it go down into the innermost parts of my soul. It had to change me. And believe me, I was desperately ready for change. Are you there yet? Look at this verse broken down.

Fear of man:
Fear of others’ opinions, fear of looking good or stupid, fear of my team, my friends, my family’s approval or disapproval, fear of the church’s reactions, fear of bodily or emotional harm, fear of financial or social ruin

A snare:
A deadly bear claw hidden along the paths of life that once clamped there is no escape except by mutilation of caught limb or death

(How many of lose our lives over fear of other’s reactions)

Trust in the Lord:
Surrendering body, soul, and spirit to the One greater than me, leaning on, depending on, staking my whole life on His care

Kept safe:
Held in the loving, protecting arms of the God, the Savior, the  Lover who would never look away, never leave, never NOT defend me.

I am, was and would always be safe in His arms. End of story.

No matter the outcomes, the marriage, the children, the finances, the social implications, I was safe in Him. The rest of the 18 Days were radically changed by this revelation. I had a Truth greater than my feelings.

Ten years later, I see this deposit radically altered my future.

The Master is teaching us all the time.  Are we ready to learn?

The graphic somewhere seen on social media. Smile.

The Fawn Down the Way

/ Jana / 1 Comment

We first saw her when she stood wide eyed in the middle of our small street, too paralyzed to move. We often have deer grazing in our back yard, or passing through our neighborhoods. So to see deer on the street is not unusual. But to see a baby this size without her mom was highly unusual. We assumed Mama deer was nearby with bated breath, eager to be reunited with her fragile fawn.

After several minutes, the fawn finally stepped slowly to the side of the road and we passed on by. I glanced in the rear view mirror and was so surprised that I stopped the car again.  The girls and I turned in our seats and looked back to see the baby step back into the road with stuttering steps. Suddenly the neighbor’s dog was coming toward her. “MOM!” Charis whispered in a panic, afraid for the deer.

“Just wait,” I said.
“Mom, what’s he doing?” Salem asked.

This hunting dog did not bark, nor was his head hunkered down or his fur raised. He was in no way on the prowl. Instead he paused slightly near the deer and then trotted slowly down the road. He stopped every few steps, looked to see if the deer was following, and then trotted a few more steps. This process continued until the deer was off the street and vanished up a wooded driveway.

We turned the car around and slowly edged back down the street to glance up the driveway where we had seen the dog then the deer disappear.

They stood there, face to face, about a foot apart, as if deep in conversation. The sound of our brakes interrupted their pow wow. They both looked at us, student and teacher, and then back to their conversation.

“Am I crazy, or are you two seeing what I am seeing?” I asked the girls.
“Mom, that dog is helping the baby deer,” Salem said quietly.

We sat in awe of the moment.

That was more than a month ago. And you see the now-growing doe meandering, eating, sleeping on the property where the dog lives. The other day she was playing in the field where the horse was. Before that she had a little deer poop in the dog’s back yard in broad daylight. The dog is always nearby overseeing, protecting.

One day I came through and saw the dog farther away from his home than normal.  We all immediately began seeking the deer. We knew that she had wandered off, again. He was bringing her back to his home. We don’t know how long she will stay, or even make it. But I’m not sure that is the point.

This has done funny things in my heart. Funny things about “who is my neighbor?” Funny things about this God who cares for the sparrows and evidently the orphaned fawn as well.

More strikingly it has stirred funny things about innocence of the young. Are we taking a posture of protecting the young among us? Are we doing whatever it takes to prepare and position them to live and thrive?  Are we actively moving them out of harm’s way? Even to our own sacrifice and inconvenience?

It may be a cold world out there. But this noble dog has provided a warm place for the fawn down the way and he has thawed some places in my own heart as well.