addiction

The Pain under Porn

/ Jana

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One of the biggest lessons Chuck and I learned through our journey is to work on the right issue. I spent so much time trying to control Chuck and protect myself that I missed the deeper wound. Chuck spent so much time trying to look good and protect his quick fix, he missed the greater need.

Porn, like any form of coping, is not the issue. It is a symptom, but it’s not the cause. I often say it is the flower but it is not the root. We spend a lot of time treating symptoms: porn, food, anger, drugs, alcohol, shopping, social media, gaming, etc.

Yet all of these (and there are more) are attempts to manage a deeper pain and wounding. There is no sobriety or breakthrough without healing the root issue. Pain has to be processed. It can’t be ignored, or buried, it just comes back up until it is dug up.

But God.

I would never claim to be a certified counselor for marriage, addiction or otherwise.  My story of God and His counsel and presence is my only certification. I can’t heal your marriage, husband or heart. But I know the One who can.

Thank you for your kind comments to my recent blog. God is worthy to be praised. It was my Ebenezer, to declare that He met us in devastation 10 years ago and worked a miracle. I want to always remember His wonder-working power yesterday, today and forever.

And. I know that wasn’t the story for many of you. Some of you are still in miserable marriages with addicts. Some of you bear the scars of divorce.

I. Get. It.

I would like to offer a hard won perspective: All this living is an invitation to experience God’s presence in the middle of it.

Human frailty right next to Divine Hope.

My whole marriage journey taught me this. The lies and betrayal and brokenness, over time, became less about me and Chuck and more about me and Jesus. He was with me. He was changing me. He was fighting for me. And guess what? He was doing the same for Chuck.

One deeply profound truth that John Dee taught me was, “Ask for truth to be revealed.” Sounds almost too simple.  I would stand in my house and worship and ask God to reveal all things hidden, for truth to be revealed in my heart and Chuck’s.  God loves to answer that prayer but brace yourself for the fallout. He loves to break off every chain only to reveal every beautiful thing He has put inside of us.

I am now “fully persuaded” that God is good and He is good to me and for me. I know life and its excruciating pain is changed by His presence.  I don’t blame Him for heartache, I go to Him with my heartache.  Do you?

I don’t love and trust Him because of my outcome, I love and trust Him because of His presence and comfort in the middle of it. The Passion Translation has the beautiful expression, God’s wrap-around-presence. He is With Us.

If the child goes astray, the loved one dies, the betrayal continues, the bankruptcy is final, we look for Him until we find Him.

God has an answer for everything we live through.  Heck, He is the answer.  Amen.

Recalling the Wonders of God

/ Jana

Wow. God. All I can say is Wow, God. Today marks the 10 anniversary of the worst season of our marriage. We humbly call it The 18 Days. It was a period of time when our marriage and futures hung in the balance as we separated because of Chuck’s porn addiction.

After years of troubled marriage and years of recovery work, try agains, I’m sorrys, and empty promises, we set this consequence should he again choose his drug of choice instead of his family.

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During the tension of separation we both tried answering impossible questions:
Do we stay together? Should we stay together? How would we stay together? Heartache and hatred abounded in our home. One thing was certain, only God could save us.

In 2000, the Lord told me He would deliver Chuck from addiction.
In 2009, all the wheels had fallen off our marriage.
In 2019, we are thanking God for His unfailing love, mercy and power.

There are stories that need to be released around this miracle. Today, I just want to thank God for keeping His promises.  Roman 4:21 commends  Abraham for “being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”

During this season, and many other seasons of promise waiting, God has brought me to verses 20 and 21.

‘Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God,  being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.’

What was Abraham’s job? What was God’s job?

Abraham’s job was to not waiver, be strengthened, give glory and be persuaded of God’s power while he was STILL waiting.

God’s job? Be God. Full of wonder-working power to keep His word. Every time.

There are many testimonies of what God did during the 18 days. Dreams, visions, supernatural provision, Spirit led counsel, divine healing, and more. Why?

Because God had the power to do as He promised.

Today, I just want to raise a Hallelujah. Our God reigns.

Reorder Your Life.

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This is a weighty statement. It is not one you can just blow past or check off. But when the question is: how can I live my life with more of You, more peace, more connection, and this is God’s answer…what do you do? What will you do?

It stopped me cold in my tracks.

If minutiae is a demonic distraction, if fretting is evil, if my busyness  just avoids the rest and trust in the Almighty, if there is more and all I have to do is reorder my life — then how and where do I begin?

This blows new year’s resolutions right out of the water. This requires a surrender of supposed needs, desires, wants, isms, have-to’s and ought-to’s.

Think of Abraham. Think of Deborah. Think of Paul.  Their lives were as loaded, strained, demanding, and draining as ours. And, God totally interrupted their lives for a holy calling. I don’t think the calling was the “outcome.”  I think the calling was saying yes when God asked them: Will you do whatever I ask? This is before the outcome was known. Maybe we deceive ourselves and think we will respond to God when He calls us to “big” things. But it is the “yes” in the moment He is after. Will you lay aside whatever YOU think is important to follow Him?

Think of Jesus.  He actually knew and understood the outcome of His calling. Yet he was not hurried. He was not distracted from the person in front of Him, though the masses pressed in. Nor was He distracted by the person in front of Him, though they wanted  more and more from Him. He was utterly present, and completely surrendered to His Father to live and move according to His will. His surrendered intimacy changed and challenged the status quo. He lived a “reordered” life. We can too.

But it might kill us in the process.  What I mean is, it might kill the whims and excuses, the fads and phones, the complaints and crammed calendars. How about just keeping up with all the “stuff”?  I don’t know about you, but I am ready for some of this to die off, not to become monks or hermits and withdraw from life. But to shed the layers of lies that keep us from our God and each other.

He and I are still talking about exactly how to “reorder” when I have obligations and others depending on me. But the first step was my “yes.” Yes Jesus, I am willing to do whatever it takes to have more of You.  I will gladly trade the American manic panic lifestyle if I can have more of His presence.  How about you?

 

Delicious Deception

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There is a lot of effort, advice, and energy surrounding our issues.  I am thinking of food in particular. It is a tragic trend to study.

Chuck and I have seen the odd parallel rise among the sexes. As men turned to porn for relief, excitement and comfort, women turned to food for the same. For both there exists a deception of love and acceptance.  We form “relationship” with an object. We turn to a seductive picture of a body and how it promises to momentarily makes us feel. We turn to a seductive picture of a food item and how it promises to momentarily make us feel.

I kid you not in Walmart last year, there was a calendar display that stopped me suddenly. Side by side. Maxim and Desserts. It was such a telling moment. Two different calendars, one simple lie. A year full of fantasy.

What flavor ? Red head or strawberry? Brunette or banana split?

For both sexes, the compass of True North is broken.  Or maybe instead of True North, the compass of Truth is broken.  We turn to something other than Truth to define, comfort, heal us.

Sure, sure we know that. We only have to look at our out of whack minds and bodies to see this doesn’t work. But now what? Is joining another “don’t touch, don’t eat” group going to really heal the hurt and hunger inside?

For today, I want to suggest you begin a conversation with God and ask Him: Where do I go when I hurt?

It is not a quick conversation. But a slow dawning. Like the sun coming up, the sky goes from black to gray to full light. Ask the Lord to bring you revelation. Before you tear down idols, you have to know the Truth. So let’s begin there.

YOU AND I
by Shane Barnard and Shane Everett

Clean I call you clean
I came to clean you and it’s done
Here’s a call to all who’ve
Felt disqualified to run
Pleasures flowing here and there
From my right hand
What’s mine is yours
Come behold all of who I am

You and I will run
You and I will run forever
All is done
You and I will run

Come with what you do not have
And buy what’s undeserved
Feast and drink, the bounty’s great
I know you hear
But have you heard
Have you heard

Clean!
I’ve called you clean!
“I am dirty”
Clean!
“So unworthy”
Clean!
“Dirty”
That’s what I’m wanting

You and I will run
You and I will run forever
All is done
You and I will run

“Every one who thirsts, come to the waters; And you who have no money come, buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.”
(Is 55:1)

“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”
(2 Corinthians 5:21)