It makes me sick when pastors tell wives that if they had been sexing their husbands enough, then their husbands would not have turned to porn. But it makes me violent when pastors tell these now broken, betrayed wives that it is their duty to keep giving their porn addict husbands sex to make them better.

These same pastors misquote scripture to further beat up these wounded women. Well played guys.  Because orgasm is the god of the age.

One commonly misused passage is 1st Corinthians 7: 1- 7

 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” ² But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. ³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

In context, we remember that Paul was correcting bad behavior. Lack of self control. He calls out two things.
1) tells men to get some self control.
2) tells men and women that sex is to be mutually fulfilling.

There is a new order in place because of Jesus.  A woman is raised from a property level to co-heir. So her needs are as important as the man’s need.

Too often men, and some church ladies, misuse this verse to tell women to put out. No matter what. But here for the first time we see the husband is responsible to please his wife. There is a mutual satisfaction that is being called for. No longer are his needs the only needs on the table.

And here is the kicker, when you are away from each other you are to pray so that your hearts are drawn to God and each other.

Not go elsewhere.

It is important that both husband and wife come to understand that her need for safety, for connection, for honesty, for relationship is every bit as strong and important as his need for orgasm.  In God’s world, this is a win-win for a marital relationship. Emotional needs plus sexual needs equals marital satisfaction.

So many times I hear of couples counting how many times they have sex a week.  But ask either one of they how many times they met her emotional needs and they look at you blankly.  The man needs to be working on that as much as he wants his woman to keep count of  how many times they have sex.

Paul is following the example of Christ to raise both man and the woman to a higher level. And it begins with self control and mutual submission.

Otherwise you have a woman trying to fill the role of  Savior and prostitute  at the same time.  Just look at this pastor’s counsel:

6)       Pursue regular sexual intimacy with your husband.
The best thing for a hurting wife to do is the last thing she feels like doing after being hurt in this way: pursue sexual intimacy with her husband (1 Corinthians 7:5). This intentional intimacy acts as a safeguard for this particular struggle in a husband and will break down the barriers to intimacy that the enemy wants to keep up as long as possible…..

 

This counsel is disgusting. It completely bypasses the man’s betrayal and puts total responsibility on the woman to repair what the man has broken. A woman does indeed try to “pour herself out” for her addict husband only to find out she can never be enough to satisfy his lust idol.  Too many times, women use sex as a magic bullet only to find the problem is deeper than frequency and she begins to loathe not only herself but her husband.

We must understand porn is not a sex thing. It is a heart thing.  A man’s heart is trying to be satisfied, comforted, approved, encouraged, or relieved by acting out instead of finding all those things in a relationship with God.

The longer the wife gets the in the way, the longer it takes for the husband to see his need for action— to seek and find God.  Sex isn’t the answer. Jesus is.

Likewise, the wife must turn to Jesus for comfort and affirmation during this delicate time.  Otherwise she spends all her energy  trying to get her husband to understand how much his porn has hurt her.

He can’t understand.  Yet.

The God-man wants to change. But the porn addict is still trying to defend his habit. So until he understands how much porn is hurting his own heart  he can’t begin to understand how much it hurts his wife’s heart.

Trust me in this.  I have seen it too many times. The wife must, must let down her walls and let Jesus comfort her. But she needs great boundaries with her husband. This hard and painful journey is as much about her heart as it is the husband’s.  God wants to be the source and love and comfort for both. It is an invitation into true intimacy. With God and with each other.

And intimacy is not the same thing as orgasm.